Advanced Reading and Writing D2

Hi Richard, thanx for your notes on my 1st draft, you made very interesting and important comments. Sorry for not posting mine earlier, I had some network connection problems. 

1. the title is effective and very interesting. Using title in a question format made it exciting to read. Even though I hate soccer.

2.The introduction is also interesting and it explains the issue. The thesis is arguable but I think it has to be revised because some points are not explained in the writing as it proceeds (wins may give people confidence)???

3.Adequate background information is provided. I would like to hear more about the economic increase and decrease for the winning and loosing nations.

4.The paper is very well organized, I was able to understand every single detail. Transitons were used effectively, because the paper was very smooth to read.

5.The conclusion was fluent, but, In my opinion, if you include more of your own points of view and opinions it will be more interesting.

6. There are few grammer errors but it doesnt interfere with the understanding of ideas. For eg. (soccer still was not so popular in Tiawan,), second paragraph (More wealthy as a nation,)also in the second paragraph, a second article is not needed (all of them have the most amount of population in their continents). In the third paragraph there is a shift from the present tense to the past (experienced).

1. Your title is effective and very interesting. I don’t know why, but it make me feel that banks are more deceitful that I thought, and that makes me read the research.
2. The introduction is very interesting too. It catch my attention and the thesis is very clear. I don’t think that you need the last sentence. First, remember that your thesis has to be the last sentence, and second, I don’t think is necessary, or, maybe is not something that you need to clarify in your introduction. Maybe when you talk about this supplementary strategies then you can mention it ( “As a supplementary strategy banks use to…” ) in the beginning of the paragraph.
3. The subtitles are not necessary or they are not so effective. It gives a hint about the topic but it is not a complete though. Try something like “The Traditional System” or “The Conventional Methods”.

In general is organize, but you have to be more specific with the transitions of         topics: method / how does it work / example / result or comparison (“One of the most common method is…. It consist of….This is what ____ Bank prefer because…” ) Remember that you are taking about the marketing strategies of the banks and that has to be very clear. There some transitions that are interfering with the topic of the paragraph as in the 6^th (some say that…) and in the 11^th (furthermore…) and some of topic sentences are not fluently connect with the paragraph like in the 10^th paragraph. You have everything that you need to explain your research you just have to reorganize it.

4. The conclusion is good, but if you move the third paragraph to the end (as part of the conclusion) is going to be better because is your opinion and is the only paragraph that express that before the facts. Is better if you talk about the facts and then your opinion as a conclusion.

Hi Fadwa, this is Shingo.

Generally speaking, I think your paper is well-organized and well-developed. You showed the problem of “Childhood Obesity” and three factors as causes in your introduction, and each body paragraph developed each factor. Moreover, you summarized your report and suggested some solutions to this problem in your conclusion. On the other hand, what I feel you could improve are the following things.

1.      I didn’t find names of books, articles etc. In my opinion, you should reveal what you referred to in the passage or at the last of it.

2.      As it relates to the above, I couldn’t smoothly understand “the author” (paragraph 2, line5 and P3, L2). I would write “the author of (the name of article).”

3.      About the last sentence of p3 “In addition ….,” I feel the content, “physical activity,” is irrelevant to this paragraph, because its key word seems to be “healthier food.” In my opinion, this sentence should be added in paragraph 2.

4.      In your conclusion, the sentence which begin with “but genes alone” on line 6 seem to be little exaggerating, because there is not any part which explain about the degree that each factor affects on the obesity. I would add “in my opinion” to this sentence.

In addition to the above, the following are my comments about your details.

1. Sentence fragments, P2L1 “Various …,” P2L2 “A recent …” and P2L7 “A study …”

I would write, “While various … obesity, ….,” “A recent report …video games. In other word ….” and “There is a study ….”

2. In my opinion, “viewed” should be “shown” (P2L2).

3. In my opinion, “like” (P2L6 and P5L8) should be “such as.” I heard that “like” shows similarity, for example, “Fish sleeps like human.” and “such as” shows examples

4. In my opinion, “decreasing in” (P2L1) should be “the decrease of” and “Making healthier food choices” (P3L1) should be “Healthy food.” I heard that “nouns” are preferable to “gerunds” in writing.

1. The title is effective. If it had more description or more, it would be more interesting.

2. The introduction is effective. The thesis is clear.

3. In the second paragraph, the second sentence and the third sentence mention “a recent report” and “the author”, but I can’t find what the name of this report is and who the author is.

4. There is adequate information is this report, and I can understand this topic very easily.

5. This paper is well organized.

6. In the fourth paragraph, the second sentence mentions “the author” but I can’t know who the author is, either.

7. In the conclusion, there are too many details about genes. Maybe those detail can be put in the fourth paragraph and give some other further ideas as conclusion.

I like this paper because you write clear topic sentence in each paragraph that gives definition. Moreover, it has well organization for each paragraph. At the same time, this topic is really helpful for me to keep myself more healthy. Good Job.

Have a nice Sunday.

Hey Ahmed,

Good Job! Your research paper is well written. I find from introduction that you are trying to mention about what is insomnia and how to solve it. Right? In this mean, I can figure out these two purposes from your paper. However, I also find there are some lacking information and vagueness.

Intro(1st para)- Overall, Good. L7: the internet→the Internet. In the last sentence: disorder problem which is insomnia…→disorder problem, insomnia, and how to solve it.

2nd para- L1: I can’t figure out who is the author(in L1 nad L4). 

3rd para-I don’t think that it is needed to change paragraph between 2 and 3, because both of them has the same function, explaining about insomnia. I can’t figure out Michael Twery(in p2, L7 ).

4th para-Also, I can’t figure out who the author(in L2) is.

6th para, L4 is lacking subject. You should get rid of “in”. What is “nut”(in L7).

As I mentioned first, your research is well written about your task. Correctly usage of pronoun will help to solidify explanation. And, if more details about insomnia, for example causes and effects, are added, it would become better.

Good Luck,
Hideki

 Hi Zasha,

Is this too early to post comment?

-         The introduction in first paragraph is concise and perfect.

-         2^nd paragraph, I’m not sure what the main idea is. Do you intend to explain the meaning of industrial era? From my opinion, something is missing between the 1^st and 2^nd paragraph. You may add transitional words. Or if I were you, I will write “England was the leader….19^th century” in the beginning of 2^nd paragraph because it link to the last sentence of 1^st paragraph. Then follow by the meaning of industrial era.  

-         3^rd paragraph, “them” in second sentence refer to??

-         3^rd, 4^th and 5^th paragraphs are linked very well.

-         5^th paragraph: on 5^th sentence.. “This” refer to?? Grammar mistake? Or wrong typing? Please correct, Frampton also ‘SAYS’

-         6^th paragraph: grammar mistake. ‘ITS’ grandiosity. I think you may need a verb in last sentence like began or started.

-         7^th paragraph: a second sentence, I’m not so sure about this grammar, but I think LOCALIZED (adj.) should be LOCATED. You may check verb tense – past tense.

-         8^th paragraph: the 4^th sentence, “the same meaning than?

-         Interesting conclusion! What we do now may be the great history for our generation. I’m proud to be a part of a technology revolution.

For overall research paper, I think you write about the Crystal palace only 3 paragraphs, while you explained in details in the industrial revolution about two-third of the report. While I was reading, I was waiting to know what the crystal palace is.

Great Job!

Have You Ever Been Lure to Open New Bank Accounts? 

            ‘Free toaster, i-pod, coffee maker for opening new accounts!’ ‘Offer the highest interest rate in both checking and saving accounts!’ ‘5% p.a. in saving account on the internet-bank!’ Is these marketing campaigns really attract new depositors? Due to the deposit growth is the key component of banks, marketing campaigns mainly focus on free services with sometimes less in value. In this research project, I intend to show that only a few marketing strategies – innovative promotion campaign, specialized in market niche and skilled relationship manager – can be distinctive and efficiently retain existing customers and acquire new customers by gathering information from various sources and focusing on local banks in the US. Nevertheless, some strategies of leading banks may be stated in this research as a supplementary.         

Comparing a bank to a retail store, both of them earn small and tiny margin while they have relatively high fixed operating costs. In addition, bank’s products are considered as commodity products which means that banks often offer similar products to customers. For instance, checking account, certificate of deposit, credit card, mortgage term loan, etc. Once one bank had created and launched new products to the market, other banks followed by providing additional features with the similar concepts. In some worst case, the followers may just change product’s name and provide the same feature as the leaders did. According to Bill Stoneman in Banking Strategies in an article “After Free… What Is There to Offer?”, he stated that bankers are searching a new for the secret to deposit growth, hoping they can seize on the next hot idea before their competitors do.  

I believe that, in general, commodity market does not guarantee the successful for being the innovator or product leader. Others can imitate a new idea easily. Therefore, the possibility of merger and acquisition of local or community banks is increased. This is the right time to reorganize marketing strategy in order to compete and survive in tough market competition.  

Normally they do…A conventional method that has been used for many banks is bombarding customers with mails, phone calls and promotions to cross-sell additional products. They normally designed marketing strategies based on “typical customer” or “average consumer” responses (Steve Ledford, Tim Mills and Tom Murphy in a article “Your Depositors Aren’t Average” from Banking Strategies). Bankers presume that they know what their customers want, but in fact they inaccurately segmented customer base. Then, most of the initiative promotions did not reach target market and become the meaningless campaigns. Now they change…

Today, banks focus on their deposit growth by trying a variety of tactics such as offering free checking account with incentives, building new branches, pursuing small business customers, specializing in specific market niches, bundling products and marketing promotions. Are they successful?

Some say that free checking account gradually effect higher costs while provide barely competitive advantage since every banks offer it. However, Scott McBrair from Webster Financial Corp. says in “After Free… What Is There to Offer?” that “With many people moving regularly, even in the mature markets of the Northeast, free checking is still an effective way to draw customers into the bank, where they might be sold other accounts. From my point of view, free checking account is a requirement of most financial institutions to retain customers. Besides, customer’s loyalty in the banking industry has disappeared. Switching bank accounts to the superior one for gift incentives is widely used strategy by community banks. For example, Northern Saving Bank in Elyria offered a promotion that gave away companion airfare. If a current account holder referred a friend, both of them would get a free companion ticket. The bank has run different gift promotions in the past, but this has been the most successful. In addition, Certegy Inc., an America’s Community Bankers’ Business Partner, offers the Score Card Rewards Program, a loyalty marketing program that allows debit card holders to accumulate points for travel, gifts, or bank product discounts. I believe that only the valuable incentives, not i-pod or toaster, may lure customers to open new bank accounts.  

Next common strategy in all over the world is building new branches. Spending abundance money to construct several branches is sometimes risky. U.S. Bancorp, the biggest bank in St. Louise, favorably defeat Bank of America and small rivals by increasing branches and ATM, extending working hours and launching campaign for youngsters called “Just US Kids”. As a result, U.S. Bancorp holds the highest market share in St. Louise. Besides U.S. Bancorp, two top leading banks remain their top priority in building new branches including J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. and BB&T Corp. While J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. plans to open 150 branches, BT&T Corp intends to build 60 more branches this year. They may believe that the increasing in number of branches are the power of closeness to customers who will bring in depositors.  

According to McBrair, Webster Financial Corp, he says “Keeping small business owners happy isn’t complicated. Pay attention to them. Call them. Get out and visit them,” From my experience contacting corporate clients when I worked in bank, the small business owners are willing to discuss current business situation with bankers, despite they are usually busy during the day. Consequently, bank creates brand awareness that clients will think of the frequent-visited bankers while doing business. To achieve this strategy, professional training the customer services managers or the branch manager is essentially required.  

Creating a niche market approach is effective to City National Corp. in
Beverly Hills. It often cited by analysts for its strategy of serving wealthy individuals and businesses, but not mass market retail. However, it is widely known that developing a niche approach is very difficult to success. Only an advertisement is not sufficient to bring in the target customers. Marketers expect the existing customers tell how excellent of their services to friends.  As stated in the Social Ties and Word-of-Month Referral Behavior by Jacqueline Johnson Brown and Peter H. Reingen that “One of the most widely accepted notions in consumer behavior especially in micro level (niche market) is that Word-of-Month communication plays an important role in shaping consumers’ attitudes and behaviors.”, I, therefore, consider City National Corp. a competitive player in a continuously changing environment.            

            To retain profitable customers who use the online banking services, customers rarely come into the branch. The bank, KeyBank, need to change its routine advertisement to the new channel called “Video-On-Demand” (VOD) program. According to Bill Whiley in an article “Marketing to The Invisible Man”, he says ‘Marketing must grab interest by simplifying the concept being communicated because customers lose interest quickly when they do not understand the message’. Take KeyBank’s strategy for example. Over 30,000 customers watched the 3-minutes video named “Eliminating the Pain of Paying Bills” to build strong emotion toward problems. It led about one-third of the KeyBank online customers who viewed it to sign up for bill pay program. The marketing expert suggests that VOD work best when selling to large numbers of customers who need prepurchase advice. I believe that many banks will also follow the similar trend to maintain online customers. Bill Whitley also recommends that VOD should has three appeals as follow; easy-to-understand content, compelling to watch and motivational plus educational. The VOD strategy enhance the cross-sell products which bring in profit to banks.         

Furthermore, the front line employees and the branch managers are key component to service customers. Some may called them the relationship manager. Marketing team need to build strong relationship with branch managers or relationship managers. Diane Lanier, senior vice president of Heartland Bank, says in ABA Bank Marketing magazine that “You need to know what’s going on in their areas. Communication is the key. Bring them to involve in marketing strategies helps me understand what customers really need.” It’s always true in marketing department that the front line know our customers best. In addition, technology help bankers know when to interact with a customer, based on preset triggers, can lead to improved cross-selling and stronger customer relationships. Banks are learning how to use event-based marketing to successfully sell products and retain valued customers. It’s prove to be effective approach to several retail banks. What is an event-based marketing? From Rebecca Kucha in “Event+Message can Equal Effectiveness”,  It’s a program that analyze the customer base and identify key events. However, while systems can analyze data and automate multiple processes, much of the event-based marketing battle must still be fought on the front lines. A live customer interaction could lead to the discovery of some new or changing data that needs to be captured and acted upon. Also critical is the human ability to evaluate and guide the situation. If an angry customer comes to the branch to resolve a problem, this may not be the opportune moment to suggest a new product, even if the system indicates it is. 

In conclusion, marketers need more efforts to improve and create stunning campaigns and strategies. The fast movers have advantages over the followers in an limited of time. Keeping changing its strategies along with applying new knowledge about consumer behavior is needed to persuade new customers and retain existing customers. All marketing strategies stated above are proved to be very effective in many banks. Three successful strategies are mainly used included an innovative promotion campaign, a market niche approach, and a proficient and masterly front-line employee.   

Sources:

-         Banking Strategies, July/August 2005 Volume 81 Issue #4, “Event+Message Can Equal Effectiveness” by Rebecca Kuchar-         Banking Strategies, Volume 82 (2006): 20, “After Free… What Is There to Offer?” by Bill Stoneman

-         ABA Bank Marketing, Volume 38 (2006): 34-36 “Marketing to the invisible man” by Bill Whitley.

-         ABA Bank Marketing, Volume 38 (2006): 15-21, “The Lone Marketer.” by Tanja Lian Sablosky.

-         Community Banker, Issue 15 (2006): 24, “Gift Incentives For Customers Bring in Business” by Lisa Meagher.

-         Knight-Ridder Tribune Business News, April 2006 “Banking on change.” by Gail Appleson

1. The opening starts with the introduction of what the author is doing and gives readers a very interesting topic; Food. This opening can my attention.

2. I think that the writer wants to put emphsis on important information and key words. This underlining can help readers to understand the entire writing.

3. Martine Yan seems to be a volunteer for this Project Open Hand. Because he is one of volunteers, he can appeal to the readers and pursuade them to take part in this Project. If the readers read a letter from the director of the organization, they are not willing to have interest in the project. This is the way normal campagne do to attract common people.

4. The writer gives some food facts related to the situation of the people with AIDS. By using these facts, the writer tries to show the readers how serious the situation.

5. The purpose of this shopping list is to show the readers what the organization is doing for the people with AIDS and how much food it needs for a week.  

6. This contribution form contains a very simple but powerful motto,”Your donation=Food=Strenth, Sustenance & Love for People with AIDS.” Also it contains a good information for donators that donation is tax-deductible.

1. The first paragraph is something like a small talk, and it smoothly catches my attention without any difficulty.

2. I think the reason that the author used anderlining is to emphasize what the author really want to tell readers.

3. Martin Yan may have more influence for people to give their cooperation to Project Open Hand than just a director of the organization has. So, I think the letter has come from Martin Yan.

4. The author wrote FACT#1 to #4 in this article. These FACTS helps me to understand what will happen when I give some donations.

5. For me, the purpose of the “shopping list” seems to catch more readers’ attention.

6. The contribution form has a kind of format. People do not have to write so much other than name and their address. So, it helps people to make donations without extra effort.

1. This paragraph catch my attention with the shopping list for a week, specially because of the amounts of the things to buy.
2. The writer used underlining to emphasize the important word and sentences that can catch our attention.
3. The letter come from Martin Yan to establish authority persuading people with a famous cooker, he is a person who people knows and he knows about cooking.
4. The writer use several techniques to convince the audience: dramatize the issue, establish authority and use effective language.
5. The propose of the list is to catch the attention of the audience by dramatize the issue.

The technique on the contribution form is effective language.